They can’t all be in See You Later

This chapter was removed from See You Later.

REMOVE Chapter 17 

    “Doll, what do you think, these aren’t very expensive?” Tom inquired, as he pointed to a shelf of sleeping bags.

  I narrowed my eyes, so he would think that I was leery and casually let out, “Yeah, those will work. Now we have sleeping bags for the rest of our lives,” while I poked him.

  We casually sauntered around a sporting goods store that we had discovered, in our new town of Novato, trying to find a few things that we needed. It was day one and I happily grabbed up a couple of pillows, because I immediately decided that it would be nice to have more than one mediocre pillow to sleep on every night and I have forever since, slept with more than one pillow. We meandered happily down the aisles, and we found one with board games and browsed while we chatted.

  “Sweetie, we should hit a grocery store and stock up on some food, don’t you think?”

  “My check won’t clear for a few more days, so let’s just grab some lunch meat and bread. Let’s get that kind of stuff to eat on for the next few days.”

  “Great idea and some soda.” I decided.

  “Let’s get this cribbage board too.” 

  “I don’t play cribbage?” I inquired, a bit confusedly. 

  “I do and I’m gonna teach you. We play it a lot onboard the ship.” He grabbed up a deck of cards, “Do we have a deck of cards?”

  “Nope.”

  “I’m snagging some of those, because we need them for the game.” I outstretched my hand, easily snatching the cards from Tom and tossed them into our cart.

  We made our first purchase as husband and wife and I still have those sleeping bags and that cribbage board, today. I will be gone one day and the only way anyone would ever know where those objects came from would be if they read this book. I surprisingly still have a lot of items from that first year of marriage, never parting with them because they are invaluable to me and I love glancing at them while knowing the memories that go along with them. 

  Tom encouraged me to drive home from the sporting goods store, so that I could learn some of the back roads. Like any town, there are ways to get around without ever having to drive on the interstate. Without knowing where the courage comes from, I have never been one who is afraid to drive on the interstate. But, the new state we found ourselves living in, had staggeringly bad traffic and we immediately learned to avoid the highway, and it would not take long to learn this fact because we would always need to add in an additional thirty to forty minutes to our timings of getting anywhere. For example, our town was only minutes from San Rafael, but traffic always made us spend an additional thirty minutes sitting or idling slowly down the road. 

   As I found my way back to our base, I felt invigorated while taking the twisting turns up and down those giant hills covered in dry yellow grass. Our arrival to California was timed during a devastating drought because our region had not had any precipitation in over two years, and it would be a full year before any measurable rain would arrive. Our winter coats would collect dust over the next few years and we would be glad for it. 

  As we drove home without a care in the world, Tom played with my hand, as it rested on the stick shift and we marveled at how different the landscape was from our previous home of Indiana. The love we felt in those moments was warm and comfortable. We had our windows cracked and it’s not over dramatic to look back on those first few days and realize that those first moments in California were beautifully idyllic. 

  “Let’s check out the garage and then head back to the ship, so we can pick up my truck.”

  “Oh gosh, I’ll be driving all the way back from Oakland by myself?”

  “Yes Ma’am. You have to do it now, rip off the band-aid. You have to learn to drive here because you will be alone a lot, Doll. We have a Tiger Cruise coming up before WestPac, and I guess it prepares us for offloading supplies to other ships during Pac.”

  “You’re right. I managed to get from the airport to you and I survived. So this cruise means more time apart?”

  “You’ll be fine, but yeah. It’s bullshit, sea duty is total bullshit. Shore duty will be like a regular job when it arrives in a few years. You’re a great driver,” uttered Tom suddenly, forever being my biggest cheerleader.

  “Nothing I can do about it, but being out here all alone will be a billion times better than alone in Indiana.” I replied, feeling rejuvenated. 

  “It’s a nice size garage. Natalie, I want you to park in the garage and I’ll take the driveway. I don’t think my truck will fit.”

  He was right, his truck was just a bit too long and my car fit perfectly, with a ton of space to spare. His truck would sit in front of our apartment whenever he was away, so I could come and go via the driveway. I’d learn to view other military families' apartments and gain knowledge about their lives. If a vehicle sat for months on end, in front of an apartment building, you knew that person was not around. 

  “Let’s do this. Do you want to drive to the ship?”

  “I do. You’ll be with me, so that will help.”

  “That’s my girl!”

  Let me tell you, shifting gears in rolling traffic while on California hills, takes some true skill. I was new to driving a stick and I had never experienced anything but the flat plains of Indiana. Rolling California hills and snail paced traffic makes you dig deep and conquer any fears you might have about a manual, and throw in a bridge or two, to terrify you and you quickly realize what you're made of, tough stuff or weak sauce. 

  “You’re doing great. See that pull off, in front of the bridge? If you’re ever needing to stop before you cross it, you can pull over there.”

  “Oh, they have little areas for that?”

  “I guess so. They must know that people have emergencies and that’s what that little area is designed for.”

   I drove across that bridge and felt a sense of calm, as if I had done it a million times before. I had no qualms and made my way easily to Tom’s ship. Disaster was avoided and my confidence was now off the charts. 

  “Girl, you drive like you have lived here your entire life!”

  “I’ll be fine here. I’m home.” I teased.

  “California girl, I’m so happy, that you’re so happy.”

  “Alright, do you want to follow me or should I follow you?”

  “You can follow me.” I happily ordered.

  “Look at you, sassy.”

  “Let’s get home!”

  “Alright. I’m gonna go check in real quick, give me a minute.” 

  “Tom, I love you.”

  “I love you too, this is better than I ever imagined.”

  I watched him walking back to his ship and felt a massive amount of pride. Tom made me love being his wife, because when I had not even known how desperately I needed to be pulled from my thoughts and inward insecurities, he had found me. The feeling he gave me every single time I saw him was magical, and I have no other way to define our attraction to one another. I never knew that happiness could feel like that, since no novel that I had ever read had put into words what I currently felt. I was overheated and tingling every time he smiled at me, and he never even had to touch me, because his laughing eyes combined with that toothy smile of his would make me come undone. 

  I was forced from my thoughts, as Tom approached my car, “You ready?”

  “Can I have a kiss first? It’s been like several hours since you kissed me?”

  He leaned in through my window and made me long for our home as he kissed me. After he got himself out of my window, a guy came by and smacked him hard on the back and began joking around with him.

  “Mosley, isn’t your wife due here soon? You better stop kissing this gal, it’s the third time this week I’ve caught you kissing someone.” 

  That caught me off guard until I could tell that he was only kidding.

  “Doll, this is Emmons, I mean John Emmons. He works with me. Emmons, don’t make my wife paranoid for fuck sakes.”

  “Hi there.” I eked out.

  “Nice to meet you. You’re a real beauty, looks like Mosley wasn’t lying for once.” 

  “Thanks.”

  “Emmons, we’re gonna go.”

  “No more ship life for you, huh?”

  “Fuck no. My sleeping bag on the floor will feel better than that shitty rack.”

  “Take it easy, man,” uttered Emmons, as he walked away.

  “Do you all call one another by your last names?”

  “Yeah, it’s mostly last names or nicknames. Let’s get the fuck out of here before someone else walks up. I’ll see you later. Be careful!”

  “I’m ready! See you later.” 

  I led the way to our new home and it strangely felt like I had resided there for ages, but it was merely day one. Once we were back inside our apartment, I unfolded the blue green blanket from the night Tom tried running away and lovingly placed it over our new pillows because we had no pillow cases, yet. I then unrolled the sleeping bags and Tom got to work on our first meal. We managed to eat two sandwiches each, paired with some BBQ chips and Diet Coke. We laughed while we pondered our future and discussed my journey that I had just made westward. This would be the first of many meals that Tom would make, and I joke that the sandwich was a meal, but it was not lost on me that he wanted to be of use in the kitchen and I loved him for it. I’d find him to be a regular peruser of a Betty Crocker recipe book that we received as a wedding gift, and his enchiladas became a regular meal whenever he was not away from home.

  I found it hard to believe that I had found myself a total package of a man. Tom could profess his love to me, cater to my needs, write me some poetry, fix a car, work on a ship and come home to make me a meal. I would forever light up when bragging about my husband, and there was no other way but to love him more and more every single day. I was deeply satisfied and grateful that no one would ever have to follow up my guy's husband skills, because it would be nearly impossible. 

  Later in the evening, I decided that I should probably find a phone booth and alleviate any fragment of concern my parents might have about my having found Tom. We drove to the Exchange and found some payphones out front and I decided to call collect since we would not have money for a few more days. My meager savings was nearly spent during the day’s shopping. 

  Collect call from Natalie Mosley, will you accept the charges? I felt giddy calling my parents with my new identity, Natalie Mosley and it was not lost on me at that moment. 

  “Natalie, hello,” uttered Marie.

  “Hey. I just wanted to let you guys know that I found Tom and I’m fine.”

  “We were wondering. Your Dad said that he really enjoyed the trip with you.”

  “He did?”

  “Yes, he didn’t tell you?”

  “No.”

  “Yeah, he’s gone on and on about your music and how he liked it and how great you are at driving your car. He said that the trip was nice and that he was proud of you.”

  “Proud of me? Why?” I inquired, while feeling a bit annoyed that he’d not said any of this himself. 

   “I’m confused, he talked like he had told you all of this.”

  “Mom, he said goodbye and that was it, besides saying he likes Tom.”

  “Oh dear, I thought maybe you two had a talk or something. He made it sound like he had discussed this with you.”

  “Nope, sure didn’t. What is he proud of, exactly?”

  “He said something about how polite you are to people and that seeing you out in the world made him realize what a nice girl you are.”

  “Really? He didn’t know that already?”

  “I guess not. He also said how smart you are and it makes him happy to know that you aren’t afraid out there. He talked about you being so sure of yourself.”

  “Are you sure that he said all of that? We barely talked.” I replied, incredulously. 

  “Yes. Is it nice out there? We’d like to send your brother for a visit when you two get settled in, if that’s alright?”

  “Sure, I guess so.” I replied, while still feeling a bit confused.

  “Alright, he will be excited to see California and we’d like to visit too. Dad and I may come and leave Ty there for a few extra days.”

  “Okay.”

  “ I better let you go. Have fun and be safe.”

  “Bye, Mom.”

  I thought, ‘what in the world is going on here’? I walked back to the car and Tom must have thought that something was wrong because he hopped out of my car. 

  “What’s wrong, Doll?” He inquired, as he opened my car door. 

  “I dunno. My Mom just told me that my Dad said a bunch of nice stuff about me. I don’t understand, honestly. He has never said one nice thing about me, ever. I didn’t hear him say it, so I’m not sure that it really happened.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Stuff about being proud of me and how polite I am. He also said something about noticing how sure I am of myself or something.”

  “You didn’t argue the whole way or toss him into the Grand Canyon, so he must feel like it went really well.” joked Tom, referring to my saying I would be tossing my father into the Grand Canyon a few months back. 

  “I’m so confused.” I expressed, as I chuckled.

  Frank had ridden with his four year old little buddy and he must have realized that I turned out alright when he left eighteen year old me, in California. This would be a second hand compliment told to me, but it still made a small dent in the animosity that I held for my father. He would forever reel me in, only to hurt me later and this would be the first such example of his reelings. He could ensnare me with a kind word only because I had not heard any kind word uttered my way from him in nearly a decade.

  “Let’s get home,” I eagerly expressed.

  I leaned toward Tom and ran my fingers along the nape of his neck and he shuddered.

  “Jesus, girl. I have missed you.”

  “Have you?” I coyly inquired, as I now ran my fingers up the nape of his neck into his hairline.

  “Yes.”

  “You know what?”

  “What, Doll?”

  “I think I owe you.” I replied, barely above a whisper. 

  “You? You owe me?” Tom nervously replied.

  “I do.”

  “I’m not sure how you figure that?”

  “Remember how mad I was when you joined the Navy?”

  “How the fuck could I forget that? You were about to leave my ass.” Tom replied, as he laughed.

  “I wouldn’t talk to you or spend time with you for a few days…”

  “Yeah well, I understand. I should have talked to you before I joined and I’m still sorry about that.”

  “And I’m still sorry for those 48 or 72 hours of no kisses or hugs.”

  “Oh, now I get it. You owe me 72 hours of loving?”

  “I do. You and me forever, Tom Mosley.”

  “Girl, it’s only gonna get better. Me and you in this life and the afterlife. We have eternity to be together. Smile for me?”

  I smiled from ear to ear, as he parked my car and we climbed the stairs to our new home.

  “Close the blind, husband.”

  “You got it. I have to be up for work at 5 a.m. by the way.”

  The next day he left for work and he began our must have routine, that first morning. We agreed that he must always wake me and kiss me goodbye because we knew that he may have duty and I wouldn’t see him for 48 hours and that kiss had to be given or there would be Hell to pay.

  “See you later,” expressed Tom Mosley, to his sleepy wife. 

  “Hey, I love you.” I replied, after he kissed me goodbye.

  “I love you, too. Good luck with the movers, today.”

  I watched him leave and lock the front door behind him, as I sleepily surveyed our bare apartment. I rubbed my eyes and hopped up, making my way to the shower down the hall. I packed all of my toiletries and hair drying equipment with me, thankfully, so I immediately got cleaned up and rebeautified. Looking back, it seems silly to have done this, but I would not let Tom see me without any make-up for that first month. I envisioned myself perfect in his eyes, because he loved how I looked and I always had on make-up in the mornings when I was in front of him. He never noticed the eventual removal of my made up face a month later and I told myself that I had made that into way too big of a thing for absolutely no reason. I’m sure that need to be perfect had bubbled up from inside of a very insecure place within myself and I was happy when it was banished. I’d ride on those insecurities for a while longer and slowly let them disappear the longer I stayed away from the Norris’s. Change was going to do me some real good. 

  I began this day by deciding that this was going to be the first day of growing out my hair, because Natalie Mosley wanted long hair. Take that Frank, I thought, as I surveyed myself in the mirror and spread my toiletries all over my bathroom counter, because Frank also did not allow anything to be left on any counters' surface therefore, I had his voice in my head as I created my new space and new self.

  I wandered into the family room where we had laid out our sleeping bags and rolled them up, and I stashed them in a closet within a spare room down the hall. I leaned my pillow against a wall, sat on Tom’s blanket and listened to music on my headset as I read the rest of my tattered Cold Mountain novel. I desperately wanted to explore the base, but since I had no idea when the movers would arrive, I stayed put. Tom had already decided that he would be the one to reach out to Pacific Bell and set up our phone line,and he told me that he would get it done while he was at work, because we needed a way to stay in touch. 

  Lunch rolled around and I made one of the delicious sandwiches from the night before. I swore that no sandwich had ever tasted so wonderfully, as that freedom sandwich I ate while in the middle of my bare military apartment. Sweet freedom tasted so delicious and I wanted to always feel like this, content and married to Tom Mosley. 

  I was dreaming of my husband’s return home, as I heard a knock on my front door, so I peeked out of the peephole and spotted a lady staring intently at my front door. This odd shaped lady reminded me immediately of Lucille Ball and my love of old actors and actresses had me opening the door very quickly.

  “Hello?” I sheepishly expressed.

  “Hey there! My name is Marie and I live next door.” 

   She said this and I found myself smiling at how welcoming she sounded, as she pointed to the door immediately next to Tom and I’s door.

  “Nice to meet you. My Mother’s name is Marie, what a small world.”

  “I’ll be the one you come to if you need anything. I’ve lived here for a year now and I know my way around. My husband is on the Lincoln, what’s your husband on?”

  “He’s on the Kiska.”

  “Oh, that’s right next to my husband's ship on the other side of the Mercy. Maybe they can carpool? It’s great that they are both in Oakland, alotta these guys here, are all over the place and not in Oakland.”

  “Where are some of the other guys?”

  “Well, some are in dry dock in the city, some are at Mare Island, some are in Alameda or Concord” 

  “Wow, that’s a lot of ships.”

  “Trust me that’s not all, some work on helicopters, trucks and stuff like that and they never go out to sea. A guy next door, he’s on a sub and he’s getting ready to leave for six to nine months, so he’s dropping a bunch of weight. He’s gotta be able to wedge himself into his speck of a rack. He wraps himself in saran wrap and jogs for an hour around the block.”

  “Gosh. Well, I have movers coming today, so if you can’t get up and down the stairs easily, that will be why.”

  “I’ll let you be. I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the area. Hey, where are you from and what’s your name?”

  “Indiana and Natalie.”

  “Well, gal I’m from Kentucky, so we are neighbors there and here too.”

  “Bye, take care.” I replied, as I  heard my mother’s voice in my head, ‘Dad noticed how polite you are to people’.

   I took a moment and realized that this was adult life now, making new friends who were possibly much older than myself and removing that private wall I kept up around myself at all times. I didn’t want to be lonely while Tom would be away and I knew that I would now have to force myself to make small talk and have pleasantries with those around me. 

  It looked absolutely beautiful outdoors, so I decided to meander toward our mailbox for the heck of it. We had been given two keys to our community mailboxes, and the boxes were at the opening of our court and they were divided by building. We lived in building six and there were twelve apartment buildings on my street. I found myself opening my box and peering in, as a lady and a little girl approached me. 

  “Hey there, I’m Dee Dee. Are you new?”

  I marveled at how kind everyone was here. I would come to learn that everyone had once been me, the new wife and most could recognize that commonality and wanted to help in any way possible. 

  “Hello, I’m Natalie. Yeah, I just got here yesterday. We have movers coming in a little bit.” I offered, making sure I could dash home if I began to feel uneasy in this conversation.

  “Cool. This is my little girl, Monica.”

  “Well hello there, Monica. You’re a beautiful little thing.”

  “Where are you from? You have a slight accent.”

  “Do I?”

  “Yeah, a little.”

  “I’m from central Indiana and so is my husband.”

  “I’m from California, so I’m not as far from home.”

  “Nice.”

  “Have you made any friends yet?”

  “I have met a neighbor, but not yet, I guess.”

  “I claim you. We’re gonna be friends, I can tell,” laughed, Dee Dee.

  “Okay. Sounds good.”

  “Let’s get you out to lunch in a day or two. I’ll help you learn the area.”

  “Thank you. I better be getting back, I live down the street.”

  “I know, I saw you walk out of your building. How old are you?”

   This was the moment I learned that our court was a private one. The ladies home during the day, in this court kept an eye on things, not just for strangers, but for the comings and goings of the women. No one wanted to share their man and they wanted to feel good about the neighbors around them doing the same. 

  “I’m eighteen.”

  “Lord. Alright, listen, don’t talk to any man on this court. They will be all over you. Were you a cheerleader in school?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well, you look like it and no other gal in this court looks anything like you so, watch out.”

  “Uh. I’m married.”

  Dee Dee then laughed and grabbed my arm and told me that it may be hard for me to understand because I was so young, marriage meant nothing to anyone there.

  “If you need help finding any furniture stores, just let me know. I bought a great futon at a cool place in town a few days ago for pretty cheap.” 

  Hearing the words, futon and cheap made me see my old manager Tim from my Montgomery Wards days in my head and I found myself chuckling.

  “Sounds good, but we have a sofa that my parents gave us. I’m sure we will need something new soon, though.” I expressed, still chuckling, as we said a brief goodbye.

  “Cool. I’ll see ya tomorrow at the mailbox and we can talk more then.”

  It was approaching two in the afternoon and the movers were appearing late or delayed, so I  walked around the court. I was dressed very casually, shorts and a baggy t-shirt and had thrown on my headband to pull my hair back. I began to cross the street to get back to my apartment when a man got out of an 88 Mustang. 

  “Hey. You the new girl across the street?”

  “I guess so. My husband and I are from Indiana.”

  “I’m Ken, my wife Theresa is inside and we have a son, Chase. We’re from Kentucky, keep us in mind if you need anything.”

  “Thank you. Everyone is so friendly here.”

  “I’m friendly, the others may be summing you up. Seriously, keep us in mind if you want to have someone to talk to around here.”

  “Gotcha.”

  “You’re a newlywed aren’t you?”

  “How can you tell?”

  “I just can. Come over for dinner this Saturday night, if you two are free.”

  As I stood, taking in the discussions that I had just had over the last couple of hours, Tom pulled up. He hopped out of his truck and possessively walked across the street to me and possessively grabbed onto my waist, nothing he’d ever done before. 

  “I’m Tom and you are?”

  “The welcome wagon,” joked Ken

  “Tom, this is Ken. His wife is Theresa and they have a little boy named Chase. They’re from Kentucky.”

  “Real nice to meet you,” offered Tom.

  “I was just inviting you and your beautiful wife for dinner on Saturday. You interested?”

  “Sure. Do we need to bring anything?”

  “Just yourselves and congratulations.”

  “Congratulations?”

  “Newlyweds?”

  “Oh, fuck, right. Yeah we have been married for a little over a month now,” chuckled Tom, as he replied.

  “Five weeks to be exact.” I offered.

  “You tell him, little lady, make him keep track of those miles driven. Don’t you let him forget it.”

  “Thanks, Ken, we better get moving. We have movers coming, hopefully sometime today.”

  “Shit, yeah. I’m sure Theresa has been spying on us, I better get in and tell her that you two seem like good people.”

  “Nice to meet you.” I expressed, as we began to cross the street.

  “Doll, meeting people without me?”

  I looked back at him as he walked behind me on our stairs, “I’m allowed outside, right?”

  “I’m not sure.” He replied, as he tried grabbing my butt and I jumped inside our apartment.

  “How the Hell am I going to leave you here for months and months? Fuck.”

  “He seems nice.”

  “You’re right, he does. I’ve just heard so many stories, Sweetness, so no talking to men without me. You’re too nice.”

   “Me? I’m too nice? No way.”

   “Listen and I mean really listen. You are a very nice person, no matter what you feel about yourself. There’s a reason you’re cold to your family, they have made that happen. You, out in the world, you are incredibly smart and so damn nice, it’s like syrup over pancakes.”

  “What in the world are you saying?”

  “You know when you get a steaming pile of pancakes and that moment you pour out the syrup and it’s looking sweet, yummy and perfect. That's you. You are the rich warmth that makes the pancakes look heavenly. Everyone wants a taste.”

  “I call bullshit. A taste?” I began to laugh, as he walked up to me and walked me to the bathroom.

  “Can we talk seriously for a minute? See that girl in the mirror?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “She is far from ugly. She is gorgeous. Everyone wants a taste and you are all mine.”

  “Gosh. Gorgeous?”

  “Fuck. I have been telling you this for over two years now. You're so smart, but not smart about yourself. I need to apologize because I’ve clearly not done a very good job at convincing you. I told you that day in my parents drive-way, that I was going to convince you how gorgeous you are and it just has not stuck.”

  “Alright, alright, don’t be so dramatic. You are just worried about me being alone here. I’ll be fine. No guy friends got it. I promise.”

  “Never any guy friends. Guys can not just be friends, ever. They will always be thinking about the two of you not being just friends...” Tom expressed, as he looked at me very intently.

  “Got it, I just never had any real boyfriends before you. No one ever asked me out or anything. I get it, thank you. Hey, is this the time you will be home each day?”

  “Pretty close. I got shit done today, because I told everyone that I was needed here.”

  “You better do that everyday then. You are always needed here, by me!” I teased.

  “I have a feeling that I will be very efficient with my time, because you will be waiting for me. I hate to keep you waiting.” He joked.

   We would chat after he got out of his work clothes and he would suggest going to shoot baskets at the basketball court that was directly next to our building. Indiana people don’t travel without their basketballs, so we had one in his truck from years of shooting baskets in his driveway together. I sat in the sun and read one of Tom’s magazine, while glancing at my husband shooting baskets as the movers finally decided to surface.

  I’d let Tom take charge of dealing with the movers, but I’d offer them each a soda as they told us about their last move. The movers had somehow forgotten two chairs from another move and oddly offered them to us,and they explained that the folks had already been compensated, but we turned them down because one bright lime green chair and one bright lime green sofa was already being had by us and those bright yellow chairs were just too much on the color palette of life. The movers would place those chairs at the curb, only for them to not be found the next morning. 

  I cranked up our unpacked stereo and made sandwiches for dinner, and they still tasted scrumptious, as we built and filled up our waterbed. Pump up the Jam could be heard in every room of our apartment as I began some necessary tasks, such as organizing Tom’s dresser, our dresser with our clothing. Pump it up a little more, Get the party goin’ on the dance floor, See, Coz that’s where the party’s at, And you’ll find out, if you do that, Pump up the jam, Pump it up.      

  Tom would walk up behind me, quickly kissing my neck and then bring in another box of clothing. As I organized our clothing, I decided that I had way too many sweaters. The sweaters would eventually need going through and removed because I did not forecast having to wear them for at least the next four to five years. I excitedly hoped that sweaters would become an item of the past, as I bagged them into a trash bag and tossed them into our spare bedroom. In those first 48 hours, I had begun truly living as Mrs. Mosley and I wanted nothing more than to remain happily married to my best friend for the rest of my life. 

  “I think I’m going to go job hunting tomorrow.”

  “Doll, you sure?”

  “I’m gonna need something to do while you’re away and we need some extra money for furniture.” I said, as I sat on the god-forsaken lime green sofa from my childhood. 

  “I agree on the furniture part.”

  “I’ll just drive around Novato and see what I can find.”

  “Alright.”

  I hadn't counted on Tom being so easy-going about my going to work so quickly after arriving in California. Everything I had ever suggested or dreamed of doing was always immediately shot down by my father. I felt lighter at my husband simply saying ‘alright’. My indecision of what I wanted to do was the only argument I found myself having and it was with myself. It was a bit rough being from Indiana at the age of eighteen and having never felt a strong sense of self. I would need to boost my attributes while job hunting. I had to create a new persona, a confident one with zero qualms of putting myself out there. 

  I grabbed a few outfits and asked Tom’s opinion on what he thought I should wear while filling out applications. He suggested some cropped pants and a button up blouse with some sparkly sandals,and after I laid it all out together, it did feel like a California outfit and not just some boring Indiana attire. The next day, I went to the bank where we had opened an account at, so that I could draw out some cash for tolls on bridges, in case I ventured outside of our town. While I was there, I noticed a young girl who looked to be my age strolling in and heading behind the counter, and she had dark matted hair that looked damp and she was in some kind of short wetsuit, as she said hello to random customers in the lobby. 

  “Welcome to West America Bank, what can I do for you, today?” inquired the teller in front of me, as I approached her.

  “Hello. I’m new to this bank and I need to draw out some cash from my account.”

  “I can help you with that. Go grab one of those counter checks and bring it to me.”

   I snatched up the counter check and a complimentary pen as I felt her sizing me up.

  “Are you new to Novato?”

  “Yes, I am. I moved here from Indiana.”

  “Let me show you how to fill this out.”

  “I know how to fill out a counter check, thanks. Here ya go.”

  “Great. Give me one moment.”

   I looked around the bank and noticed how bright and welcoming it was and I felt a shift. I was going to ask to work here and it was going to happen, I could feel it, and I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. Maybe seeing that girl, who was about my age a moment ago and since she clearly worked here, that had built up the idea and courage in my head. 

  “Excuse me. Are you hiring?”

  “We are. Are you interested in banking?”

  “I’m interested in learning about banking.”

  “Let me grab an application. Here’s your cash. I’ll grab my manager too.”

  “Thanks.”

  I allowed myself an exhale and then went right back to holding my breath, as the bank manager walked up to me where I stood. The manager was a tiny five foot tall lady with large round glasses, and I’d later learn that she drove a Ford Edsel everyday to work. She was quite an original individual. When this tiny lady stood next to me, I looked absolutely gigantic, but I smiled demurely, like I was tiny and unassuming. I’d quickly realize that I would be the very tallest & blondest employee in that building because no one was over 5’5 and all were brunettes except for another employee named Inesa. 

  “Hello! My name is Kathy and I hear you’re interested in working here.”

  “I am. I hear that you’re hiring.”

  “You are beautiful by the way and we love having pretty young ladies working here.”

  “Oh my, thank you.”

  I now noticed the other young lady with the damp hair walk up to a teller window and begin waiting on customers, but she had changed out of her wetsuit, and her hair was still visibly damp as I now noticed that she was quite freckle faced while she chatted with her customers. I filled out the application as the bank manager continued talking with me.

  “Did you just move here?”

  “Yes, I live on base with my husband. I’m from Indiana.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful. We have a teller here who lives on base, her name is Wendy.”

  I thought to myself, oh, another Wendy.

  “I’ll have to introduce myself, well that is, if I work here.”

  “I just placed this job in the paper a few days ago and if you want it, it’s yours. I think that you’d be a great fit here. Are you good at cash handling?”

  “I am.”

  “How did you do in school?”

  “I graduated high school six months early and I was in honors classes.”

  “That’s all fabulous! Okay, finish filling this out and I’m gonna give you the details. You will have to be photographed and fingerprinted next week. You don’t have any problem with that, do you?”

  “No. Will you give me directions to where I’ll need to go, because I’m still learning my way around.”

  “Yes. I’ll give you the address and it has directions on the flyer for the teller school.”

  I felt my nerves trying to surface, as I imagined myself driving around northern California all alone, but I shoved them away. 

  “This is great, thank you for the opportunity.”

  “You’re a real doll, so sweet. I can’t wait for you to work here. Come in tomorrow morning and we will get you in the system and school will begin next week.”

  “Will do. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Oh, that accent. The customers are going to just love you.”

  “Thanks again.”

  As I left, I noticed the other young girl definitely sizing me up. As I would come to experience many times in my life, I would be judged on my appearance before ever having a conversation. I attempted to scan the building, as I nonchalantly exited and found that I only noticed one male working there. 

  I hopped into my little car and felt buoyant, because this was a turning tide, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I was unknown to everyone here in my new state and I was being taken in by so many friendly people. I already felt like I had more conversations with people in this state than I’d had in all of my years in my parents home, this was an exaggeration, but it had some truth to it. I definitely felt more liked here than I had ever felt in that conditional anger filled home. 

  Once I got home, I found myself sitting on the top step that led to our apartment. Any day that I was home before Tom, I always made sure to look my best before I took a seat on that cement step and there was no other way to be, but to be eager for his arrival. 

  “Hey wife. What are you reading?” 

  “Oh, it’s just Gone with the Wind for the millionth time.”

  “We better get you some new books.”

  “Let’s go inside, because I have some news!”

  As he opened the screen door for me, he scratched my back and then took off his shoes as he grabbed a baseball hat off of some hooks we’d mounted to the wall the day before. I’d created a little area for his array of baseball hats and he’d approved of my idea. I was trying to make the bare apartment into our home and not having the funds to decorate was difficult, but this little idea was cheap and easy. 

  “What’s your news? Your parents are coming to visit?”

  “Yuck. I’m sure they are, but that’s not my news. I got a job today!”

  “Already? Day one of your search?”

  “I know! Yes! I’m going to work where we opened our bank account!”

  “A bank teller? That's cool, that’s a real job.”

  “Right? Yeah, I will find out more tomorrow when they put me into the system.”

  “Is it full-time?”

  “Uh, I don’t know. All I know is that the bank manager said that they like to have pretty girls working there and wanted me there.”

  “Pretty girls? Well, that’s honest, I guess. They don’t hide it.”

  “I know. I thought that was a weird thing to say to me? Superficial much? It’s a job!”

  “What will you be paid?”

  “Uh, I don’t know that either, but it’s at a bank. It has to be decent pay and it’s so nice in there.”

  “Doll, congratulations! Ask what you’re getting paid and the hours tomorrow. I’m happy for you. I bet you will make some friends.”

  “Yeah, I saw a girl my age working there. She came in, in a wetsuit and I saw a surfboard on her jeep outside.”

  “Shit, that’s cool.”

  “Yeah, I’m pumped to work there.”

  “I can tell. Good job, now what’s for dinner?”

  “Whatever you’re making.”

  “Um, my paycheck is in, so let’s hit the Commissary.”

  “We can buy meat, potatoes, all of that kind of stuff?”

  “Yep, Doll.”

  “I’m grabbing the cookbook. Let’s write down what we need to buy, to make some of the recipes.”

  “That’s a great idea.”

  We began the meal preparation pattern of our marriage at that moment. Tom would love to cook and he’d have recipes that only he would prepare for our meals and I would have my own, never making his meals, and we would continue that pattern for years after this little moment, and recipes that only he made would be lost to me later in life, because I would not have the heart to recreate them without him near. 

  I decided that I was going to whip up the best batch of fried chicken I could muster and he would create loaded mashed potatoes. We’d have a team effort for our first official foray into the use of our gas oven. 

  We easily found our way around the base commissary, although it was larger than most grocery stores that we had ever entered. I felt so relieved knowing that we were going to be shopping together and making our meals together. Moments that were inconsequential to most were still so lovely to me, simply because it was night and day when compared to my parents' marriage. Before now I had not even considered the dynamic of meal preparation. Tom had said that I would not be alone in household duties, but it felt refreshing knowing that he wanted to cook entire meals completely on his own. I felt catered to and loved. 

  My father would make the occasional breakfast of fried eggs or steaks on the grill, but all of the tasks of side dishes, setting the table and clearing it, all went to my mother. We had an eat-in bar counter and my mother suffered through every meal while sitting on the side of the counter that was within the kitchen. She would barely get a bite in, before my father would need the ketchup or more of something or other and he never hopped up to serve himself. 

  “Hey, don’t forget that we have dinner in a couple of nights across the street.”

  ‘Doll, you think that guy is alright?”

  “I do. I liked Ken, he seems genuine.”

  “Okay. I guess we will go. What will we talk about?”

  “Who knows, it will be fine.”

  This is when I began to notice our roles changing. I was a long time follower and always followed Tom’s lead as he was nothing but self confident when we were finding our way in the world, but now he seemed to be happy to follow my lead as he had a bit during his basic training and he listened when I expressed an opinion on something new. 

  I’d find that as he spent more time at sea, that I would make several new friendships without him. He’d return from sea and I’d have to introduce him to new people, but he was not very quick to open up to these new friends of mine. He seemed a bit restrained when I encouraged him to meet my new friends. My friends would be strangers to him and I could feel him close off a bit at any outings with them. He’d consider Ken and Theresa the one couple that we both heartily liked and that would be about it, and anyone else I befriended became my friend and my friend alone. 

  “I think the fried chicken is almost ready.”

  “My mashed potatoes have to be cooked in the oven for another thirty. Let’s start a game of cribbage.”

  “Alright, I’ll put the chicken here to cool.”

  Tom had taught me this new game of his and I found that I enjoyed the competitive nature of it. When he played onboard, they never played with two players, but we adapted and played with just the two of us. We would shuffle the deck and pass out six cards to each of us and immediately began bidding on each other's cards, king was the high card and the ace was the lowest, so you always hoped to win the higher cards. The game moved rather quickly and the next thing I knew, Tom’s mashed potatoes were ready, so we paused our game.

  “This chicken looks like it should be in a magazine.” I boasted.

  “It smells good, for sure.”

  Tom cut into the chicken and we both immediately saw that it was completely raw. My fried chicken was cooked in outward appearance only and Tom began to boisterously laugh.

  “Girl, this is awful!”

  “That’s not nice! I tried. I have never fried chicken before.” I uttered, voice trembling.

  “You are not going to cry. Stop that, right now.”

  “Don’t talk to me that way. You’re being mean and I’m not going to cry.”

  “It’s raw. That’s not mean, because it’s the truth.” He expressed rather harshly.

  “The way you are saying that to me, is mean. Stop it.”

  I had a lifetime of insecurities and presumed ineptitude flowing within myself, and I felt my iceberg of an attitude rising up as I faced him across our kitchen card table.

  “Get over it. Your chicken sucks.”

  “Fry it yourself then. I’m going to bed.”

  “No, you are not.”

  “Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do. I won’t sit here and be talked meanly to.”

  “Girl, not everything is going to be perfect all the time.”

  “This has nothing to do with perfect, it has to do with how you are talking to me.”

  “Just toss it back into the pan and fry it some more and shut up.”

  “Did you tell me to shut up?” I replied and felt my mouth clenching, as I stood up.

  “I did. You’re being a baby.”

  “Listen, you ever tell me to shut up again, it’s not gonna go well for you.”

  “Doll, relax.”

  “No. You need to listen to how you talk to me. I’m not some filthy man from your ship that you have to one up or out bullshit. Go ahead, tell me to shut up, again.” I said with narrowed eyes.

   “I’m sorry. Alright?”

  “No. You are only sorry because I spoke up. If I had sat here and let you talk to me like that, would you have kept it up?”

  “I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know why I told you to shut up.”

  “You can’t say that to me. I would never tell you to shut up, unless I was on fire angry with you. Got it?”

  “I got it. Fuck. I am sorry.”

  “Now put that chicken in the frying pan and you do a better job of it.” 

  “Okay, okay. Can we play cribbage while I cook it?” He inquired weakly.

  “No. I’m going to get my pajamas on and you can let me know when it’s ready.”

  “Shit. Alright.”

  This was a brief moment of his changing attitude. Tom was always so warm and loving, but there would be tiny chasms of hostility oozing my way every now and then. He would have moments of sour disposition and anger fueled darkness leaking into our loved filled light.

For just a second or two, I would see a glimpse of someone that I did not recognize, but I guess living with a father who had a razor sharp tongue had prepared me to always stand up for myself. I would never be my mother and roll over when her man tried to assert some kind of strange authority..

  “It’s ready, come and get it.” Lightly shouted Tom.

  I hopped off of the bed and arrived at the card table and our folding chairs to see a lit tea candle, with my plate of food that was carefully cut up and ready for consumption. 

  “This looks good.”

  “Thanks, Doll.”

  We sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, which was very unusual for the two of us. I ate what was now referred to as his fried chicken and grinned as I bit into it, because it was beautifully cooked. 

  “I’m tired. I think I’m going to bed after I clean up dinner.” I lamented.

  “Really? You’re not going to bed without me.”

  “Why?” I weakly inquired.

  “I don’t want us ever going to bed separately, that seems wrong, Doll. Are you still mad at me?”

  “Sorta.”

  “We are not going to bed angry, ever.”

  “I guess that I agree with you.”

  I decided that it was time to stop being angry and let my cold shoulder warm up. I began to clean up the meal as Tom leaned his head onto my shoulder and hugged me. 

  “I am sorry. I really don’t know what came over me.”

  “If you have a stressful day, don’t put it at my feet.”

  “It wasn’t stressful. I don’t know why I acted like that with you. I have been surrounded by assholes for the last few months.”

  “Well, I don’t like it and if it happens again, you can sleep on the nasty sofa!” I teased.

  “I got it.”

  “I want us to have a happy marriage and I know that we will disagree here and there, but I’m not okay with being treated poorly.”

  “I said that I got it. You’re right and I was wrong.”

  I never got to the bottom of his sour disposition, but what I do know is that if I ever had a moment of complete independence, he would occasionally react coldly. I had gotten asked to work at a nice business and today, I felt proud of myself, only to have the evening sputter to an angry halt. I felt like his demeanor changed throughout the evening, after he discovered my ease at obtaining a job and doing something without him.

  I had a tiny sweat trickle on the back of my neck, as I stood up for myself. Something took over and I had stopped some strange forward motion of our marriage that could have the potential to establish a pattern of disrespect. I collected myself and responded as needed, because all human beings are imperfect and fragile. I had the common sense to recognize that this was his moment of being not just my perfect husband, but someone who should be allowed to be human. We were married, but we were also growing up together and learning one another’s eccentricities and moods as much as anything else.  

  “Let’s go to bed, okay?” He inquired.

  “Sure.”

  His anger had faded and he now appeared to be defeated inwardly, as well as outwardly. I didn’t linger in rubbing his faulty reaction in his face any longer. 

  “Come here, you. I love you.” I said, as I hugged on him.

  “Do you? How do you put up with me?”

  “We’re allowed to make a mistake every now and then. I love you because you said that you’re sorry. No one ever tells me that they’re sorry in the Norris household.”

  “I hate that I’m compared to them at all.”

  “You’re only compared to them because you’re nothing like them.”

  He collapsed onto our waterbed as I flopped next to him, causing a nice wave throughout our bed. 

  “That’s an E-ticket ride!” I teased.

  “E-ticket?”

  “At Disney World they charge you certain tickets to ride and an E-ticket is a doozy!”

  He then began to shove the mattress up and down with his fists, as I wobbled back and forth. 

  “Whee!” I shouted.

  “Doll, you are so good to me. You’re really beautiful. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too and you are easy on the eyes!” I joked.

  I hugged him and said a tiny prayer to myself, and I asked God to help me always find the right words and to never let my cold shoulder ruin this good thing I was in the middle of living. I prayed and wished for us to always listen to one another and share every single thought with one another. I didn’t like feeling pitted against him, that brief moment had shook me, but it also shined a light on my backbone of steel, because it was still there. I knew then that I would never be married to anyone who treated me less than, no matter how much I loved them. 

  The next morning I awoke to a peck on my cheek as my husband softly whispered a sweet see you later and left the bedroom. I rolled back over after that goodbye and happily fell back asleep for a couple of hours. I became caught up in a dream about pulling weeds in a garden as a couple of little boys played behind me, and they were laughing and running around a very green yard as I woke up. I quickly showered and threw on a pair of shorts and a casual top, since I needed to pop into the bank for a few minutes to learn more about my new job. Kathy hadn’t specified if i was officially working today or what, so I figured that I’d go in comfortably, to avoid the possibility of staying, because I had a few things that I wanted to do today and work was not one of them. 

  After I entered the bank, I walked up to the counter and met my soon-to-be co-worker. This lady at the bank counter seemed like she was super funny and I noticed that she had a slight paralysis of her mouth which gave her a crooked smile. She was middle aged and had almost white colored blond hair with glasses and a thin build. 

  “Hello. I’m Natalie and I’m supposed to talk to Kathy.”

  “Hi there, I’m Inesa. It’s nice to meet you. You are gonna fit right in around here.”

  As she introduced herself to me, a young lady walked behind her and smiled over at me, and I returned the grin, so she stopped in her tracks and walked over, so that she could introduce herself.

  “Hey, I’m Susan. You're the new girl, right?”

  “I guess so. Nice to meet you.”

  “Susan is in charge of atm cards, cashiers checks and money orders,” informed Anessa.

  “Yeah, I’ve worked here for two years.”

  As she said this, Kathy popped up and Susan darted off to her window, to wait on a customer.

  “Good morning, Natalie. Let’s go into the back.”

  I followed her through a locked swinging door that she swiftly unlocked with a key that was on a wristband. She led me to a break room that was filled with snack bags on table surfaces and coffee cups of all sizes.

  “We all like to whip up our own meals, you’ll find that grabbing fast food gets old.”

  “Gotcha.” I replied, as I noticed a microwave and refrigerator.

  “So, let’s get some more information from you and I’m sure that you have a few questions for me.”

  “Yes, actually, I do. Is this a full-time or part-time job?”

  “You can have either. I’m looking for both and you get the first choice.”

  “How many hours is full-time and what is the pay?”

  “I’d like you to work 40 hours a week and that includes Saturdays. You’d get a day off during the week and of course, Sundays. We are open until noon on Saturdays so that day goes quickly.”

  “And what is part-time?”

  “Part-time is mandatory every Saturday and it’s a total of eighteen hours a week. You get paid the same for both and it’s eleven dollars an hour with compensation for every account you start or investment you send to the desk side of the branch, we pay based on how many you do in a week.”

  “Gosh, alright. I think that I’ll take the full-time position because my husband will be at sea a lot and I’ll be alone.”

  “Great! I was hoping that you’d choose full-time. It will be nice to have another younger person in here every day. You’ll be trained by the lady that you were with yesterday, she’s my trainer and her name is Jill.”

  “Thank you, this sounds great.”

  “You will work every day 9-5 and have Wednesdays or every other Saturday off. If you ever need to switch up Wednesday for another day, we encourage the ladies to trade days as needed.”

  “Alright. And you said something about being fingerprinted?”

  “Here you go, read this and head to this address next Tuesday. You will be fingerprinted and photographed and teller school is the day after that, at the same address.”

  I felt tiny fragments of nervousness, but I was not scared. I had a pretty good idea of what was going to be expected of me and I made sure that I sounded confident and ready.

  “This is a great opportunity, I really appreciate it.”

  “You’re so welcome. We have a lot of big accounts here, people, who live in the city, bank with us and live around here. You won’t know it by looking at them, but some are producers, race car owners, and people in the entertainment industry.”

  “What’s the city? No kidding? Wow.”

  “The city is what residents call San Francisco, we never call it San Francisco. Right, you have to be very respectful because many of our customers have such large accounts here, that we can’t afford to lose them.”

  “Oh. Okay, I got it.”

  “They will love you.”

  “Thanks.” 

  I was naive, no, I was disturbingly naive, because she was practically pimping me out to the customers, and this was why she liked having all of the young girls working at her bank, the clientele liked pretty ladies behind the counter. The customers needed something pretty to look at while they waited on their money. I’d find myself waiting on the likes of Indy 500 car owners, well-known people in the entertainment industry and millionaires occasionally. 

  Many of my customers would invite me out with them, some going as far as offering to fly me to Indy for the race, after learning that I was from indiana. If I had taken these men up on their offers, I’m not sure where I’d be today. Most of my customers would have assistants doing their banking, but some, they enjoyed assuming a regular person role and seeing how the rest of us lived. Novato was thirty minutes outside of San Francisco and Marin county was the most expensive county in all of California, so these folks living around me were not the average Joe.

  I headed for home and still let myself feel happy about finding a job so quickly. Maybe Tom was right, I was pretty, because this job had required me to be attractive and smart. After I got home, I nuked a frozen bean burrito, grabbed a ding dong and took my card table chair outside, so that I could read and tan. As I read, my new friend Dee Dee walked over and chatted for a few minutes and I filled her in on my new job. She let me know that she preferred staying home, since her daughter was not in school yet. She also easily spilled the beans on her marriage, flatly stating that she wasn’t all that happy. I followed Dee Dee to the mailbox in my bare feet, as she watched her daughter on a tricycle. She went into her apartment and I wandered back home. I started to feel a bit weird about Dee Dee, because I couldn’t imagine knowing someone for only a matter of minutes and then announcing private details about my marriage. I felt awkward after our discussion and I didn’t want to get caught up in someone else’s problems. 

  “Hey sexy, need a ride?”

  “Tom, hey! You’re home early.”

  Tom pulled up near the curb and cranked down his window, as he greeted me.

  “Head home, I’ll see you there.”

  I strolled up to our building, as he hopped out of his truck to give me a hug and I spied some flowers on his passenger seat.

  “Have a good day?” Tom inquired.

  “Yeah, I did.”

  He leaned back into his truck and tried surprising me with the flowers, “These are for you. I’m an asshole, keep loving me, okay?”

  “No, you’re not. Thank you.”

  “I was and I love you.”

  “Why do you think you acted like that?” I inquired, as we walked up the steps to our apartment and he snagged my chair.

  “I don’t know. I wish I knew. I could feel it coming like some kind of dark curtain.”

  “Are you alright?”

  “I’m more than alright. I’m so happy, I don’t know what happened.”

  “Well, at least you can recognize that you were being a bit mean.”

  “I recognize it. I felt moody before and then it was like the chicken being raw was just too much for me to handle.”

  “Gosh. I love you, you know that, right?”

  “Doll, I more than love you. You are everything. You like the flowers?”

  “Yes, they are so sweet. Carnations are what you gave me in high school once. Remember that?”

  “Yeah, I do. Find out more about your job?”

  “I’m full-time and I make eleven dollars an hour.”

  “Shit, that’s great.”

  “I have to work some Saturdays though, but it’s only until noon.”

  “That’s not too bad, I guess, considering how many Saturdays I’ll be working.”

   “I thought that too. You might not even be home, so it won’t be additional time apart.

  “Doll, I found out that I have to go out in a week, for thirty days. It’s one of those Tiger Cruises where we prepare for getting underway in a few months.”

  “Thirty Days? That’s awful. I’ll miss you, but at least I’ll have a job.”

  “Yeah. I’ll miss you so much.”

  “I know. When do you leave for West Pac?”

  “They are still saying, August.”

  “August? Really? And you’ll be gone for thirty days starting next week?”

  “Afraid so and they may sneak in another little cruise in between.”

  “Tom, I’ll never see you.”

  “I know and I hate it. That’s, at the very least, seven or eight months apart over the next year.”

  “That makes me so sad.”

  “Let’s not think about it right now. Let’s focus on being together right now.”

  “I’ll try. That’s just so much time apart. I knew that you’d be gone, but you being gone almost all the time is not great.”

  “You’ll make more friends. You already have neighbor friends.”

  “I do, but it’s not the same as having my best friend here with me.”

  “Oh, Doll. Give me a smile, please? Thinking of you sad and alone is breaking my heart.”

  “It’s hard to smile, right now, because I can’t smile when I’m sad.”

  “Come here.” He expressed, as he grabbed onto me and held me close. 

  We stood there in our very bare apartment listening to country music on our radio, as we held onto one another. It really did feel like a dream, because I was living in California and married, but still feeling such deep sadness. I was forever saying goodbye to the object of my affection and it pained me even when we were together because of the lifestyle we were in the middle of living. Military life caused a constant building of courage to be a strong married couple while also being desperately alone. Life in the Navy made it so hard to be fully happy. I never thought that I’d be far away from Indiana and happily head over heels in love, while feeling such loneliness as I stood next to my husband. I can remember the sensation of Tom’s warm face covered in stubble, pressed against mine as I felt like he was already gone. 

  Loving him so much only made it harder to face being alone, it really didn’t make it any easier, if that makes sense. I selfishly wanted Tom all to myself after his regular workday, as so many average couples lived day to day and this was not our destiny. I had to convince myself that this extended time apart would be looked back on fondly by the both of us, one day. All of the aggravating time spent apart would be worth it because we would come out all the better.