Life after Desert Storm

Natalie Mosley Klenotic See You Later

REMOVE Chapter 26

  “Man, this is taking forever.” Groused Tom.

  “Don’t be a crab.” I teased.

  “Be done already.”

  “Don’t give me any lip or I will decide to make you bald.”

  Tom had come up with the big idea that I could cut his hair, because how hard could it be? Well, the clipping of  his hair, it was not difficult per say, but it did take some finesse. I was afraid that Tom had more confidence in my barber skills than I did, so I was moving slowly out of the fear of shaving off one of his ears. I stood behind him as he sat in one of our kitchen chairs in front of our bathroom mirror, as we talked and made faces at one another in the mirror. 

  “Girl, you make me bald and there will be trouble.”

  “Shut it, let me work.”

  “Jesus, are you done?”

  “I can be, but I wanted to spin you around and double check it.”

  He hopped up and shifted himself from side to side as he rubbed his head and gave my first haircut his blessing.

  “It looks fine, I’m done getting it cut on base.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes. Can we get the fuck out of here? I’m ready to go swimming.”

  “Okay, Okay.” I stammered.

  “It’s been so good being back home with you, Doll.”

  “I know. I hate that you are gonna go for the AC class next week. A whole month went by too quickly.”

  “I’m sorry, but I have to get out of that pit, I need some daylight.”

  “I understand.”

  “You’re gonna come visit this weekend, right?”

  “I am. I can’t believe that I’m gonna drive to San Diego by myself.”

  “Doll, you’ll be fine.”

  “I know, but it’s far.”

  “I’ll make it worthwhile.” Tom teased.

  “Oh, you will, will you?”

  “You know that I will.”

  “You are as feisty as ever, calm down.”

  “Fuck that, I had nine long months of calm.”

  “Well, I will give you that, that’s true. I think I need a break though, shoo.”

  “Oh, alright.”

  “After you complete this class are you looking to find a new boat?”

  “Definitely.” 

  “How does that work?”

  “I basically find one in our area that needs the skills I have and if they need an machinist mate, I apply for a transfer. I know that I’m making sure that they aren’t due for any fucking Pacs.”

  “If you get on a ship and it leaves for nine months, you won’t be going on that Pac.”

  “Oh, how so?”

  “I will murder you!” 

  “Yeah, I’d let you murder me. Hey, let’s take my truck and look at some of those dealerships up there after we’re done swimming.”

  “What about all of that, ‘let’s get one paid off’, nonsense when I wanted a new car?”

  “I did say that, but I wanna look. Maybe somewhere can match our payment like you did with yours?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Yeah, I like your car and I want something different. I’m tired of shifting gears all the time too, out here.”

  “Uh-huh, now that you’re back, you see how old it gets. Say it.”

  “No.”

  “Come on, say it.”

  “You can’t make me.”

   I stood on his toes and repeated myself, “Say it.”

  “You were right.”

  “About?”

  “Shifting all the time.”

  “Thank you.”

  “How did you do all of that driving while I was away, going all over God’s green Earth?”

  “I managed, but my clutch was not happy.” I teased.

  “Okay, I’m gonna go make some sandwiches.”

  “Tom, please don’t make me any with salami, you keep forgetting that I hate that stuff.”

  “Sorry.”

  We had spent thirty or so days relearning each other's quirks and tastes, and it did appear that we each had changed a bit. He had been through a lot while onboard and overseas, ranging from his appendicitis scare to Desert Storm and neither of us could have possibly predicted either of those things happening as much as I liked to think that I had some kind of slight perception of the future, but the truth was, I had no way to decipher a mere thought from a foresight. Me, I had simply grown up over the last nine months because I had no choice, and I now found myself to be the one in charge of our finances, because he liked it that way and he was in charge of our meals for the simple fact he always beat me home. We may have been driving the same highway for home each day, but he always had a head start on rush hour and I unfortunately never missed that time of day. 

  “Hey, do you like mayonnaise, I forget.”

  “Tom, I like any condiment and every vegetable, just no salami.”

  “You like salami, got it.”

  “Shut it! Quit messing with me.”

  “Where’s the fun in that?”

  Our “newlywedding” was back on course, full throttle because we both had so much to catch up on and his teasing was starting to drive me a little nuts. It seemed like he had digressed in age as I increased tenfold. 

  “You need to call your mother.”

  “Doll, please stop.”

  “I’m just saying, she has left three messages over the last week.”

  “I’m aware. I’m not interested in calling her and hearing about her and never talking about me.”

  “You know, you can stop that. Tell her that she never asks about you.”

  “Nah. And she never asks about you either, Doll.”

  “Well, I don’t exist in her mind, I’m sure.”

  “When was the last time you talked to your parents?”

  “Nevermind, I’m talking about you right now. I’ve been on land the last nine months, you haven’t.”

  “Nope, not changing the topic. When?”

  “I don’t call home anymore.”

  “Why?”

  “Who would I talk to? My Mom is a liar, my Dad has no use for me and my own brother is on probation.”

  “Mine’s on probation too, Dad wrote and said that they are making Chris join the mother fucking Navy.”

  “You never told me that!”

  “It never came up, I didn't think about it. Yeah, he got caught breaking into cars.”

  “Oh, that's not good.”

  “Hell, that kid needs some military regime, my Dad spoils him.”

  “Yeah, my Mom says that my Dad thinks Ty is on drugs. You and me, handsome, we’re doing alright!”

  “You said it, Doll. Let’s get going.”

  I watched him grab his tobacco tin off of the kitchen table and dug my heels in, “I’m not spending the day swimming with you if you are gonna chew that. You are going to get cancer of the mouth, leukoplakia and I won’t allow it.”

  “What did you just say? How do you know what it’s called?”

  “Haven’t you seen the movie Lucas? He was called leukoplakia because his name was Lucas.”

  “Uh, no. But, I won’t chew it all day, just a little.”

  “No. I’m not going unless you leave it here. It’s bad enough you are still chewing it at work. I’m sick of those Pepsi or Coke cans on our table with your nasty spit in them.”

  “It’s not easy to quit.”

  “Here.” I spit out, as I grabbed a bag of whole sunflower seeds from our kitchen cabinet. 

  “Oh, alright. You’re right.”

  “I know I am. Let’s get going, you’re wasting time.” I teased.

  “I’m wasting time? I’ll show you “wasting time”, come here!”

  I avoided his grab and made my way to our front door and giggled as I descended our stairs, because he was fast on my heels. We had to look completely ridiculous as we darted back and forth in our miniscule yard, trying to outrun one another. I let him finally catch me and he promptly gave me a kiss as he led me to the garage, so that he could run back upstairs and grab our cooler, now that our game of avoiding the kiss was over. I loaded up our beach chairs and umbrella, although I didn’t think that we would use any of it, because we usually spent most of our time in the water. 

  “Doll! Come back upstairs, I think something is wrong with Bash.”

  I dropped what I was doing and made my way inside to find our Cocker Spaniel splayed out, while he appeared incoherent. He was swaying his head back and forth not not recognizing or hearing either of us. 

  “Tom, I think he’s having a seizure.”

  “What do we do?”

  “I honestly don’t know. I’m gonna hold him so he knows that we’re here.”

  I held onto him and it did seem to calm him because the swaying motion stopped and he tried to wag his tail. He had definitely had a seizure of some kind and I worried what might happen if we left him alone.

  “Should I call the vet? Tom, he might be sick.”

  “Yeah, call them.”

  Our plans were derailed because the vet told us to get him to their office immediately since they were closing within the hour. We wrapped him in a small blanket because his rear legs had not appeared to be of any use, so he needed our help.

  “I’m so sorry, your dog has had a bad seizure and I don’t think his legs will come back.”

  “Why? His legs may wake back up, after things calm down, right?”

  “No. It’s unusual for a first seizure to cause paralysis. He’s had a grand mal seizure.”

  “I’ve never seen him seize. I didn’t know.” I expressed, sadly.

  “He’s probably had them all along and you haven’t caught it and unfortunately he has progressed beyond medical intervention. We have medications to prevent the seizures, but it’s too late.”

  “No, are you serious?” Inquired Tom, who had only spent a few months with our pet. I was feeling overwhelmed because this little guy had been my family while Tom was away. 

  “He has to be put down?” I lamely inquired.

  “It would be the best thing. He will be incontinent and it’s a sad way to end a life like that.”

  “Oh, dear.”

  And as we sat there, Bash began to urinate through his blanket. The vet assistant weakly grinned at us as she cleaned up the mess. 

  “Doll, we can try taking care of him if you want?”

  “No. I want it over. I can’t see him like that and know that it’s never changing.”

  “Natalie? Doll, we can decide later, not today.”

  “Ma’am, you can wait, but I assure you, he won’t improve.”

  I looked into the big brown eyes of a pet that had loved me through a desolate nine months, loved me after I left him with a horrible neighbor, loved me as I’d hang up the phone wanting to cry because I had been talking to my lying Mother and loved me when no one else was there. I had to let Bash go and it was going to be agony, but I wanted it over right now, so I did not linger and back out of what needed doing. 

  Bash began to drool and I could tell that he had lost some other function that I was unaware of, because he was not looking at me quite like he had during our morning walk. He was already partially gone and I gave the authorization to have him euthanized. 

  “Doll, he’s your buddy, I’m so sorry.”

  I held onto my little Cocker Spaniel and told him goodbye as I asked him to greet me one day in heaven.  I also quietly thanked him for being my family and then Tom began to cry. I sat very stoic, because I did not want Bash to see me upset and maybe know what was happening, so I held off on my tears as I had so many times in my life.

  “What will happen to him? We don’t have a yard to bury him.”

  “Ma’am, I will dispose of him, it’s alright. If you’re upset, I can mail your bill.”

  “Thank you, this was unexpected and so hard.”

  “I can tell that you loved him, by how well trimmed and clean he is, I’m sure he’s thanking you for this decision.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “Doll, let’s keep his collar and leash.”

  We gathered up Bash’s things and made our way to my little car, so I could allow the floodgates to be released. 

  “I took such good care of him, I can't believe this happened.”

  “Natalie, it’s not your fault.” 

  “I know, but I loved him and he loved me.”

  “Sometimes we aren’t in charge.”

  “It’s not fair, my first dog, on my own and he’s gone already.  I loved him so much, why?

  “Your time together was short, but he had a great life with you. He adored you, and he only tolerated me.”

  “We grew up together, we were alone.”

  “I know you did and he loves that you picked him. You knew he was the one you wanted as soon as you saw him, remember?”

  “I know, that sweet face, it reeled me in. I’m a sucker for brown eyes.” I teased, referring to Tom also having dark brown eyes. 

  “He will see you in heaven, he will run up to you and give you some wonderful kisses one day, Doll.”

  “You really think so? I’ll see him again, there really is a heaven, right?”

  “I hope so, or else what do we have to look forward to after all this bullshit here on Earth?”

  “You’re right. I’m so sad, I can't believe that one second he was here and then next, he’s just gone. Gone. At least we got to say goodbye.”

  “Doll, you told him see you later.”

  “Did I? Really?”

  “Yeah, I thought that you did it on purpose.”

  “No, it’s just ingrained in me, no goodbye ever.”

  “Oh, that is wonderful, you know? He is waiting for you, I know it. And you didn’t cry, you really do amaze me.

  “I didn’t want him to think something was happening and if I cried he’d want to help me. So many times he has helped me. He was so young, why would God give him to me for such a short time?”

  “Aren’t you grateful to have had that time with him?”

  “Of course I loved that short time with him, but did he have a great life in that short time?”

  “Doll, he was with you, and any time spent with you is wonderful. You did everything for him and we loved him with all of our heart, right?”

  “I definitely did, I even let him sleep with me while you were away.”

  “I guarantee he loved that attention, snuggled up with you all night while you two only had one another. I personally know that I can tell you being snuggled with you and having your attention is nothing but fantastic.” 

  “Oh, thanks. I’m sorry, I just feel numb.”

  “I know you do, it’s a sudden thing and so tragic seeing him like that in his last moments.”

  “I still see his sweet face looking up at me as I held onto him.”

  “I love you, you really do love with your whole heart, but you hide it sometimes.”

  “I hate getting hurt, it makes me not want another dog if this kind of thing might happen.”

  “Nah, you will heal. You can’t not love again because you got hurt. Your heart will heal and some little guy will get to be our pet and get so much love, because you know what it’s like to lose a little guy now. Our next dog will probably be loved with all you have, because you won’t want to lose him either. He will be a lucky fella. You just never know when you might lose a pet or someone, you have to make the most of while they’re here, huh? 

  “I know you’re right, but it worries me. I might have to just avoid loving another dog for awhile, it hurts too much.”

  “I love you, I’m so sorry Bash is gone and it hurts you so much. I wish I could fix it.”

  “I know. I’m so glad I have you here to understand. I love you too, I’m lucky to have you.”

  We returned home and made our way upstairs to put away Bash’s things and I noticed his little rope on his bed and began to cry, so Tom held onto me, soothing me and loving me through that unexpected loss. There would now be a hole where my little dog should be every time I arrived home from work, because that little glowing face would not be there to greet me. We had actually been there for one another, as much as a dog can be for a person, because he distracted me and loved me unconditionally in my loneliness and was a very loving little pet. 

  Tom walked up to me as I stood staring at Bash’s bed and he lowered his gaze, “Think we should still go swimming?”

  “Oh, gosh, I don’t know if I’m in the mood.”

  “It might help? We can have some laughs and enjoy the beautiful day and be happy that you and I are back together.”

  “Sure. You still want to go, huh?”

  He nodded and rubbed my back, “I’m sorry that this happened, but we should still have a nice day, don’t you think?”

  I faked a smile and spit out, “I’ll be needing a lot of hugs and no dunking me.”

  “I can do that.”

  I wanted to stay home and mourn my pet, but my sweet husband knew that was no good, and he had selfish intentions, because he also knew that he’d be gone on Monday. I resisted the urge to curl up in a ball and sleep on my bed and weakly followed Tom down to my car, now skipping taking his truck because much of the day was gone. Things had been so wonderful an hour or so ago and now my pet was dead, why did it always go like that for me? 

I followed Tom’s example and made the most of the beautiful day together, but my thoughts were never very far from my little dog. 

  “Natalie?”

  “Why are you calling me Natalie so much today?”

  “I dunno. Your name is beautiful and I guess I don’t say it enough.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Have you thought anymore about starting a family?”

  “I dunno. I’m happy with just you and me, right now. This is nice, don’t you think?”

  “Sure. I just was curious.” 

  “Okay, you don’t care that I’m not ready?”

  “It’s fine. It’s always up to you, I’m ready whenever.”

  “I’m only nineteen, so I’m still thinking it over.”

  “I know. It’s fine.”

  “Oh, I have something I forgot to ask you.”

  “Spit it out.”

  “My old boss, Kathy called me at work yesterday, because there is a Fourth of July parade and she wanted me to ask if you would march with the bank as a Desert Storm veteran.”

  “No shit?”

  “I guess it’s a big deal, there will be veterans marching and since you’re one now, she thought you might like to represent the bank.” 

  “I’d wear my dress whites?”

  “Yeah and you’d need to get your stripes and medals updated.”

  “Huh. I guess so, but would you be there?”

  “I’d be watching and meeting you at the end.”

  “I’ll have to come home for that weekend, but for something like that I’m sure I can get permission. I’ll ask on Monday and call you.”

  “I’m so proud of you, Tom. It’s weird thinking that you are a war veteran.”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty weird.”

  “Sweetie, you sound funny.”

  “I’m fine. When I think about it, it was a weird nine months.”

  “You okay?”

  He grabbed my hand, “I love you and I don’t want to ever be away from you for that long ever again, because it fucked with me a little bit. I did worry that we wouldn’t be the same and maybe you would find someone else while I was away.”

  “Why? I’d never let you go.”

  “I really know that now. It was hard to tell, being far away if you still loved me as much as I did you.”

  “I wrote it all the time.”

  “It’s not the same as hearing you.”

  “Don’t let some invisible worry bother you, because I love you and I can’t be apart from you like that ever again, either.”

  As we floated and bounced along with the waves in the Pacific Ocean, I heard voices all around us, but my focus was on Tom, because he seemed bothered by something more than his past worry, but I was unsure what was on his mind. Suddenly, some weird guy with the hairiest back ever, swam within two feet of us and I have never been one to hide my disgust very well and I made Tom laugh. Tom’s laughter broke whatever weird atmosphere he’d created and I sucked us into some humor instead, as I laughed as well.

  “That’s gross.”

  “Yeah, I can tell. You don’t like hairy backs, huh? Your face, my God.” Laughed Tom.

  “Nasty, blech. Think he saw my face?”

  “For sure.”

  “Let’s go eat some sandwiches?”

  “Natalie, I love you, you know that? I want to be with you forever.”

  “Tom, can’t you tell how much I love you?”

  “I can, I just need reassurance once in a while, I feel like I’m no good for you.”

  “Why? Are you not telling me something?”

  “No. It’s just, I wish that we had some money so I could treat you to everything I want for you, right now. I want things to hurry up again, like I used to, I need our life to get moving.”

  “That will come. Everything I want is right here. Money means nothing without love.”

  “I want to give you everything, anything you ever want.”

  “I know that. Easy, we are babies, we will get there.”

  “True, but are you happy?”

  “I  am extremely happy. How could I not be? I love you and I love our life. I’m so proud of you.”

  “Thanks. Doll, I am so happy with you, never forget that.”

  “I won’t forget, if you tell me that forever and ever.”

  “I can do that. I got you.” 

  He leaned into me and gave me the sweetest kiss that I think he had ever given, because his eyes connected with my heart as he gently kissed me and then gingerly took my hand so that we could stick together in the waves. I’m not lying, he felt like my other half as we laughed and talked in the summer sun, because there is no other way to describe how I felt sitting there with him. If I began a sentence, he finished it for me, because we were blissfully on the same page and I’d gladly reassure him as much as he needed. One of the best days I ever had, came on the same day that I lost my pet and that bizarre truth is one example of how odd my life has always been. 

  We noticed some random teenagers making out on a blanket a few feet away from us and we realized that it was time to go, because we did not want to put ourselves out there like that. A guy throwing a frisbee ran into us as we gathered up our cooler and I noticed Tom suddenly scowling, much like the face I saw years ago at my high school dance when I’d danced with a classmate.

  “Hey, calm down. I’m fine.”

  “He hit you.”

  “It was an accident.”

  The guy noticed Tom’s attitude and beat a path for a different stretch of beach, as we made our way to our vehicle. 

  “Doll, let’s skip looking at the car dealerships, I’m ready to be home.”

  “You better lose that ‘tude.” I teased.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  He was somewhere else and I kept doing my best to get his attention back on me, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I began using my feminine wiles to woo him back into the present. I quickened my pace and made my way in front of him and that always easily distracted him, because I knew he wasn’t looking at my hair. 

  “Hurry up, slowpoke.”

  “What’s the hurry?”

  “Oh nothing, I just love my husband and I’m ready to be home too.”

  “You don’t say.” He spoke up, his attention peaked.

  “You don’t seem to be with me at the moment.”

  “Oh, I’m here.”

  We climbed into our vehicle and I slyly bumped into his front, as I put away the beach towels and he loaded up the cooler. 

  “Oh, excuse me. I didn’t see you there.”

  “Hey, easy. I thought you needed a break.”

  “What are you talking about? I just bumped you, I’m so sorry.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “You okay or did I hurt you?”

  “I’m definitely bruised. You better help me out.”

  “If you’re bruised, you probably need to rest and ice it.”

  “Nope.”

  “Hey, seriously, are you okay? Back there, you seemed so angry all of the sudden.”

  “I will never let another man hurt you ever again.”

  “Ever again?”

  “Doll, I still feel so guilty about your Dad and how he treated you. I should have done something,” uttered Tom as we both climbed into my car. 

  “That’s in the past, please forget it.”

  “I will never forget that mark on you, never. I should have done something.”

  “I didn’t let you, remember? There was nothing you could do. Please, you took care of me after and now look, I’m here with you!”

  “Don’t make light of it. You always brush it off, joke about it. That was pure physical abuse and no one did one fucking thing to your Dad.”

  “You’re doing something.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “You are everything good and loving. You don’t see me falling in love with you all over again, right this second?”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. I didn’t know it still bothered you.”

  “I’d shoved it away until you told me about your Mom and what she told your brother. Doll, that is fucked up and she’s turned Ty against you.”

  I shrugged my shoulders, “It doesn’t matter. He never would have believed me anyway, he’s tied too tight to my Mom’s apron strings.”

  “It does fucking matter, but I understand what you mean. Falling in love with me all over again?”

  “Yes.”

  “Doll, you are so wonderful, how did I get so lucky?”

  “I’m lucky, since you love the hurt away.”

  “I’ll never let anyone hurt you, ever. I won’t hurt you either, ever and if I do, it would never be on purpose. I can’t see you hurt.”

  “I’m fine. You don’t even see how much I fall in love with you every single day. Tom Mosley, my heart is all yours, forever.”

  “Right and you have my heart too. Doll?”

  “Huh?”

  “I could have punched that guy earlier.”

  “I saw, I could tell. I’m fine, he bumped me, he didn’t attack me from behind.”

  “Right.”

  “Dearest, let’s get home, I’m feeling zapped from the sun.”

  “I better get you some ice.”

  “Ha! No way. I’ll be icing you!” 

  The trip home was a lovey one, lots of sweet nothings told to one another and way too much innuendo, but we had been apart for way too long to be mature and civil while we drove home. I think I noticed Tom breaking a sweat as I made his life a bit miserably wonderful, messing with him during the long drive. I laughed to myself as I watched him speedily round our corner for home, like he was Mario Andretti.

  “Can you carry the cooler?”

  “Fuck that cooler, we will get it later.”

  I laughed, because his agony was real and I could see it written all over his face as he yanked on my hand and hauled me up our stairs. 

  Later that evening we both felt a bit morose, realizing what a huge hole our dog had left in our hearts, so Toby got to feel like some kind of kitty king all evening, as we loved on him. I  bundled Bash’s bed and dog dishes so that I could store them in our spare bedroom, and it felt so wrong knowing my little buddy was gone, but I had had such a lovely day after Bash’s exit. 

  “Should we get another dog?”

  “I don’t think so. I don’t want another dog.”

  “I know, I’m so sorry, Doll.”

  “I know.”

  “I hate seeing you sad, it’s like I need to fix it.”

  “It’s not gonna be fixed. I have to be sad for a bit.”

  “Come sit with me in my recliner?”

  “Okay, no funny business.”

  “I just wanna hug you, Doll.”

  We sat there, wedged together as he rocked the chair back and forth and we watched TV like that for the next several hours until I drifted off to sleep. I took a little nap, wedged onto  my husband as he held me and it did help me feel better because I knew that there was nowhere else I would have chosen to be at that moment or any moment, ever. Tom had a knack for calming me and creating a safety net that I could easily freefall into if I needed, and I was lucky to have found my way into that young man's heart because it was the absolute best place to be. 

  “Hey, wake up.”

  “What?”

  “I’m heading to San Diego.”

  It was now Monday morning and Tom would be making the long drive to San Diego and spending his week in AC class. He was so versatile, ready for his next adventure, but me, I was not thrilled that he was already leaving our happy bubble.

  “Oh, no. Okay, call me tonight?”

  “Of course. Sit up and give me a hug.”

  I hugged on him, trying my best to pull him back into our bed, “Lay down, come on.”

  “Stop that, you. I’ll talk to you tonight.”

 “Fine.” I pretended to be annoyed.

  “Be good. See you later and I love you.”

  “You be good! Good luck with your first week. See you later.”

  “What, no I love you?”

 “You know I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

  “Okay, smartass. Love you.”

  “See you later Tom Mosley, come back to me.”

  “Always, Sweetness.”

  That young man, he was all mine and I didn’t have to share him with anyone, since he was the object of my affection. I’d never be able to get enough of him and I was fine being selfish with him because I hadn’t talked to Susan in what felt like forever, so I was slowly becoming more of a homebody. Tom would hold me in his arms and we would spend hours talking and planning our future, as we dove into the deep end of our dreams and aspirations. Tom was aspiring to retire from the Navy one day and thought that he could possibly become an EMT. He’d recently started reading up on it and thought that he’d be good at it and I encouraged him. Me, I wanted to make mistakes, try out several different things until I discovered my passion, because I had no true passion in life except for reading and writing in my diary. I was tempted to try out some night classes at the local college, but I could not tear myself away from my husband, not yet anyway. I dreamed of possibly writing a book about the area we found ourselves thriving in and San Francisco certainly would be a beautiful backdrop, since our beginning led back here, so it seemed like as good a place to start as any, but fate would have different plans for me. 

  After another mediocre day at work, I had no real need to rush home, now that I had no dog to walk, so I found myself not darting in and out of traffic. I had no husband to throw myself at, now that he was away, so the drive home was not nearly as stressful. It was a beautiful day and I wanted my husband home to share in it, but he was somewhere else, so I made peace with it and rolled down my window, because I didn’t need to care what my hair looked like. I  gave myself to the wind and allowed myself to feel unencumbered as I sang like no one was listening, because they weren’t. 

  I snagged my mail and was surprised to find a letter from my old friend, Christy from Indiana.

Her letter really was out of nowhere, because I had not heard from her since my very first month in my apartment. We’d maybe grown apart, I wasn’t even sure, since we had not  talked in so long. I got myself changed into some shorts and grabbed my latest novel, before I nuked a burrito and tore open Christy’s letter. 

Woman!              June, 29, 1991

Is your man back home? I hope so, that Desert Storm stuff was a trip, huh? He okay?

How are you? I know, it’s been awhile and I never wrote you back, well, I have news. My sister got pregnant again. Yes, same baby daddy...don’t say it!

And this time she has had a boy and named him Marcus. It’s been insane around here, again. What’s new, huh? I should have written to you while you were all alone, I’m sorry. Write back! 

I’m still with Brylane, nothing new there. I’m moving out though. I have a friend at work and she has a place with her boyfriend, so I’m moving in with them. It’s finally happening! I  wish you were here to hang out. I’m still hanging out with Melissa but she’s awful.

Have you had any kids yet???? Just kidding, well sorta, have you? I guess your man needs to be around for that though. Maybe I could save up some money and come and visit. Aren’t you near San Francisco? I’d love to travel, I don’t travel anywhere, ever. 

What’s new? Still with that bank? You guys get to the ocean very much? What do you guys do? Lots to see? 

Well, I thought you’d like to hear about Dawn and her baby, so there ya go! If you come for a visit, look me up, woman!

Your friend,

Christy 

  Christy was always a great source of drama, and I thought that her family dynamic was something off of Sally Jesse Raphael, because it seemed borderline insanity. How did Dawn keep sleeping with her step-brother, I couldn't wrap my brain around that weirdness. I was worn out from the last few days of high and low emotion so, I put off replying to Christy for another evening and selfishly began my book on my back porch. I was now reading Tom’s plethora of reading material from his time away and he was timidly starting a book of mine and that may have been the only good part about him being away for nine months, because I had an entire library of reading material now. 

  My latest Michelle, from downstairs, was out back with her little boy and she noticed me on my porch, so she called up to me, “Hey I haven’t seen you walk your dog the last few days.”

  “Oh, we had to put him down.”

  “Fuck, that’s awful,” replied Michelle, never one to mince words.

  “It is. It was unexpected.”

  “I didn’t expect that. I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks. We didn’t know he was sick.”

  “Zachary, get over here, let’s get you cleaned up!”

  “I like the sandbox you bought, it’s so cute.”

  “Yeah, Little Tikes stuff is fucking expensive, but it’s great for little kids.”

  “Yeah, a turtle, too cute.”

  “Take it easy, I gotta clean this little asshole of mine up, he’s covered in sand. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye, Michelle.”

  Michelle’s little boy always seemed very polite and smart, so he was a good incentive to have kids one day, because he inspired hope in me that not all kids were sticky and messy little creatures. I knew that I’d love my kids and seeing that little boy had me imagining Tom as a little boy and the thought of giving him a son seemed like a dream. I sat there, dazed and a bit frozen within my thoughts as I forecasted my future and wondered about when children would be added to our little duo. I had little doubt that we’d be having children, but as a young couple it was a bit daunting to imagine another mouth to feed, when some days I was happy to only be spending money on frozen burritos. I thought of a few baby names as I glanced around base, maybe Henry or Beau, what about Levi? I rarely thought of little girls names, because I was sure that I’d be having a little boy one day, because I constantly imagined a little version of Tom. I was shoved from my thoughts as I heard my phone ring, so I jumped up and snatched it up, because I knew Tom should be on the other end of the line.

  “Hello?”

  “What’s up, Doll?”

  “Not much, boring here.”

  “Yeah, it’s not thrilling her either.”

  “Oh?”

  “Same shit different day.”

  “Gotcha.” 

  “What are you doing?”

  “Reading one of your books.”

  “Cool, which one?”

  “I’m reading 1984.”

  “Oh, what do you think?”

  “Dystopian world, it’s weird to imagine.”

  “Big brother, crazy, huh? I think it’s a great book. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

  “Yeah, I definitely think I’m a Conservative as I read it. 

  “Why?”

  “I’m not interested in a totalitarian society, ya know? Politicians manipulate us and this book is a way to prove that.”

  “I get that. I’m glad you like it.”

  “So where are you sleeping?”

   “I’m in a Comfort Inn and you can just stay here with me, because I’m in my own room.”

  “Wow, if I didn’t have to work, I could be there all week.”

  “Yep.” 

  “Was it hard to find?”

  “No, you’ll do fine and it’s beautiful down here.”

  “No kidding?”

  “Not as dry as up there.”

  “Oh, nice. What will we do all weekend?” 

  “Thought we’d go into Mexico.”

  “Cool! I’ve never been there.”

  “Yeah, the guys here say it’s best to stay close to the border and don’t drink the water. We can’t be down here and not check it out, don’t you think?”

  “I’m excited, yes!” 

  “Great and it’s cheap too.”

  “Well that settles it, then.” I teased.

  “Alright, I have to read some stuff for tomorrow. I love you, see ya later.”

  “See ya later, love you.”

  I had something to look forward to, Mexico and the thought of just being near enough to visit this exotic location had me a bit giddy. I’d read a few novels set in Mexico and my undeniable love for Mexican food was well established, so I could already taste those delectable little tacos that would be coming my way. I was living in a bit of a bizarro world, as i was feeling a bit alienated from my Indiana roots and this had me trying to force myself to take roots elsewhere, so I was pretending that California was my new permanent home. It was so fascinating here, because there was so much to see and do and I had to admit that I was quite fond of the weather, never missing Indiana snow. As I briefly let my Indiana family enter my mind, wondering if any of them had been to Mexico, I felt my cheeks flush with a bit of rage because any time they crossed my mind I could no longer see them without all of the hurtful things they had each said or done to me. I felt myself crackle with emotion, as I saw their faces, conspiring against me and I felt my heart close off. I was so free out here, and even the very thought of my husband and the life we were making together was like a beautiful melody reaching my heart, because it always soothed me. 

  My nonplussed week flew by as I felt like I had willed it to do so, because I was ready to see my husband and have some fun. I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t a bit nervous driving that unknown distance toward San Diego, but I did my best to leave my anxiety behind as I climbed behind the wheel of my car. The truth is even if I ever felt scared about something, it was never for very long, because my love of adventure would usually take over, and I had smartly written out the directions so that I wouldn’t have to take my eyes off of the road in order to decipher a map.

   I had told one of my favorite customers, Mr Clokey, that I was taking off Monday and jokingly ordered him to not come in while I was away, because I always loved chatting with him. Mr. Clokey was the creator of Gumby and his sweet stories of a time he lived during and created such beloved characters made me all the more fond of him. I imagined the time I was living in versus the time that Mr. Clokey had lived through and it made me want to freeze this moment in time, because I had a hard time thinking that my life could get much better than this little  time capsule I was living within. 

  I drove down the 101 scenic highway and easily understood its nickname because the surroundings were immediately stored within my heart and brain because driving so close to the ocean seemed almost otherworldly. I had no fears or drama, so my life was desperately improved over the previous sixteen years that I had lived before Tom and that had me thanking God for the man he sent into my life, as I pulled into the Comfort Inn. 

  I glanced at my notebook and made my way to room number 101 and felt like that was some kind of happy sign after traveling down the 101 and promptly did the shave and a haircut, knock on his door. 

  “Doll! I knew you’d make it just fine. It was an easy drive, right?”

  “Yes, it was beautiful, but I’m hungry. I forgot snacks.” 

  “I’ve got some over here, the base has a store.”

  I flopped onto his bed and propped up my feet, as I spit out, “This is the life. Feed me some snacks!”

  “Yes, my queen. What do you prefer, Funyuns or Doritos?”

  “Today, I desire Doritos.” 

  “At your service. Shall I take off your shoes, my queen?”

  “Yes, yes and hurry it up.” I teased. 

  “I figured we could spend all day tomorrow in Mexico.”

  “Great. Do you know where we’ll go? How do we know where we’re going? I don’t have a map.”

  “I’m sure they have some maps. Did you know you can get medicine real cheap down there?”

  “Huh?”

  “Yeah, this guy in my class said that they have pharmacia’s and they have prescription meds if you want them.”

  “That’s weird, but I don’t need anything.”

  “Me either, but I thought that I’d mention it.”

  “Well, maybe I could use some birth control pills. Think they have that?”

  “No idea.”

  “Maybe I should not get them there, because what if they are knockoffs and don’t work?”

  “Our duo will be a trio!” Laughed Tom.

  He had such a hearty laugh and I knew that he was still testing the waters to see what I’d say to that, so I simply said, “I’m good, I’ll keep mine.”

  “Do you want dinner? I ate, because they gave us all some pizza since we had a whole week of classes.”

  “I’ll be alright, the Doritos helped. Do they have breakfast here?”

  “Yeah. Doll, they do.”

  I hoped that he couldn't hear my stomach growling, because the Doritos did nothing to curb my hunger, but I did not want to spend any money on dinner, because I knew what we had available to us spending wise and it was not a whole lot. I’d make sure to fill up during breakfast the next morning, taking advantage of the free food. 

  “I’ll manage until morning, but can I have those funyuns too?”

  “Here, eat them up.”

  I glanced over at him with a sheepish grin, because he seemed to be listening to my every word, like we had been apart much longer than one week. I tugged on his shirt as I nibbled my snack and he smartly took it for what it was, a clue to get changed out of his military duds. 

  “How’d you do in your class?”

  “Fine, it’s not rocket science. It will be easy.”

  “Well, that's good.”

   I watched him changing out of his daily clothes into his Adidas tank top and shorts and wished that we were home riding our bikes around the neighborhood, because I loved that time we spent together. When we rode our bikes together, he’d never get too far ahead of me as I struggled up some of our larger hills, because his manly legs easily pumped his pedals and easily climbed the hills. I accepted the fact that the hills were going to take some time to conquer even though my husband did not have that worry. 

  “What are you staring at, Doll?”

  “Just my sexy husband.”

  “Well, thanks.”

  “I’m so glad that I took off Monday, I won’t have to rush home Sunday night, I can take my time Monday.”

    We enjoyed our hotel room and each other for that sweet evening of respite, because it felt almost like a vacation. The next morning I threw on some sweatpants and a baggy shirt of Tom’s, before I made my way toward the breakfast buffet. Once I discovered the room that held the buffet, I eyed some yummy looking blueberry muffins and fresh fruit, so I quickly snatched up the yummy items and found an orange juice dispenser and made sure to get as big a glass as possible. I set all of my breakfast delectables down and perused the cereal selections for my husband, who was still blissfully passed out in our hotel bed. I found some nasty old people cereal because he preferred Grape Nuts over my tasty Captain Crunch, so I added it to my pile, as I found a milk carton and wandered back to our room. 

  I used the hotel room key and made my way back into the dark room, squinting my eyes, willing them to adjust, just as I felt my thigh latched onto by my husband's toasty hand. 

  “Hey!”

  “Hey yourself. Where’d you go?”

  “My stomach found the breakfast buffet.”

  “Get back into bed.” He lovingly ordered.

  “Nope, I need fuel. You are sucking the life right out of me, fella!” 

  “I know what I need and it’s not breakfast.”

  “Lordy, man, you are out of control.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Nothing, just saying. I’m turning on a light.”

  “I don’t care if the room is lit.”

  “Gosh, you are on a roll. I know that you don’t. I’m gonna eat...first.” 

  “What’d you get me?”

  “Old people cereal, your favorite.” I spit out, as I tossed him his Grape Nuts and a carton of milk.

  “Where's the bowl?”

  “Uh, whoops.”

  “I guess I’m gonna go find a bowl and a spoon, need anything?”

  “I did see some bagels and cream cheese.” I joked, as I smiled a cheesy grin. 

  “Got it. You’re lucky I love you.”

  “Ha!”

  He left our room and I embraced a tiny surprise that I wanted to pulI off, so I decided to stop eating and snuggle into bed, and I somehow lost my comfy clothes in the process of climbing under our sheets, because I knew that he loved a good surprise. As I laid there, in the dark, snickering to myself, I heard the hotel room door creak open, but I thought that I also heard more than one voice as he began to walk into our room. 

  “Doll? Natalie? Why is it dark in here, come meet my classmate, John?”

  I ignored him and hoped that he would be smart enough and not invite a strange man into our dark room, as I froze. I immediately imagined the awful possibilities of that man walking into where I was in bed and possibly seeing all of me. I thought, ‘oh please, I never meant to pull this little birthday suit prank to a full house’ and I quickly whipped up some fake snores, just to strengthen what my husband needed to understand without any words being spoken. 

  “My mistake, she must have gone back to bed, we will catch up with you later, man.”

   I heard him gently shut the heavy door to our room without barely a sound, as I felt his warm body suddenly spooning mine, much to his surprised delight.

  “Natalie Marie, you she-devil, you are a regular little vixen.”

  “I’m your she-devil.”

  “Thank God.”

  Bare skin on bare skin is like a type of rebirth, because to me, it always made me feel so alive, like I was living for another person besides myself and I wish that my mind would allow me to remember all of those moments, but sadly many of them are lost to me now. I can only remember random moments spent together, words spoken and sporadic feelings, and I hate that most now escape me. Had he always made me feel so secure or did that come over time? Was it always so special and desirous or was that only in my head, as I sit here reflecting? I accept that memories can fade, but when you can not sit and compare stories with the other person, you wonder if you are forced to embellish them in order to keep that love alive.

  Me, myself and I need the half half of our duo to share their view on our relationship. I’m afraid that loneliness may fog over memories, because memories can become clouded with what you want to think you remember and other memories are blocked out by what you want to forget. Some scenes that were only between my husband and I are still crystal clear and others, I have to squint while searching my mind, because I desperately want to remember what we had and sadly what we have lost. I will forever need Tom to fill in those gaps within my mind, because he needs to tell me his version of our early days. The romantic minutia thoughts come and go, flowing freely some days, reigniting a floodgate of memories and other days I struggle to feel like Tom Mosley was real. He’s nearly perfect in my mind’s eye and even though I know that no one is perfect, he is close. 

   “Girl, I fucking love you.”

  “What brought that on?”

  “You’re here, you drove all the way from home to be with me.”

  “Duh?”

  “No, really. You love me and I love you, it’s times like these that I appreciate what a great wife I have, ya know?”

  “Any wife worth her salt, would drive to her man.” I teased.

  “Not all wives are like you, you don’t know.”

  “What don’t I know?”

  “My friend John, he’s not been on a Pac in years and his wife just left him. She said this life is not for her.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yep, cut him off.”

  “Listen, this life is not for me either, but there are perks, like this free hotel.” I joked. 

  “Doll, you are the best.”

  “No, I just love you and I love being with you. Come on, let’s go to Mexico!” I urged.

  “I’m ready. Are we gonna eat lunch somewhere down there?”

  “You know it.”

  In Mexico, the Mosley’s were loaded, because our American dollars had us buying up knick knacks and a plethora of food. We searched high and low for random shops and probably wandered too far off of the safe beaten path. We were a couple of young Hoosiers in Mexico, but we got out alive and fully fed. I still think that some of the tastiest Chalupas I’ve ever had were in Tijuana and I have to be honest, because the best tacos ever are at Indiana Beach in Monticello Indiana, so I have had the best of the best and both were with Tom Mosley, and how lucky is that? I wouldn’t get back to Mexico for another twenty five some odd years, so I’m happy that we made the most of his classes while he was in San Diego by heading to Mexico. 

  “I can’t watch.” I teased, as he dove into the hotel pool.

  Tom was doing one of his weird somersaults into the water and I always imagined him cracking his head open on the side of the pool when he attempted that move. His somersaults made me desperately uneasy and I can still remember the way it made me feel, imagining him hurt and I don’t like reliving that. I’d say a little prayer to myself everytime he smiled and flipped into the water as I held my breath, while applauding his maneuver. Youth had it’s tendrils in him, because he thought that he was invincible most days and me, I felt barely tethered to the Earth, like I could go any moment. We were polar opposites in the way we inhaled life, I was still clawing my way out of a dark hole and he was blooming like a flower in the light. I was kicking and fighting for every breath while trying to find my way, because I was trying to get out of here alive and he was free falling into a young males zest for everything that was intoxicating. 

  “Ta-Da! Nothing to worry about!”

  “Please stop, you have done three in a row.”

  “Alright, geez.”

  “You should try it.”

  “Nope. I wanna live.”

  “You worry too much.”

  “You don’t worry enough.”

  “I’m good at it, don’t worry. I’m quick on my feet and I’m fast.”

  “Ah, I don’t want to talk about it. Come into the hottub with me, please?”

  “Yes, Doll.”

  He made his way into the hypnotizingly warm waters of the hottub and we languished there for another fifteen minutes before we had both had enough, so we grabbed some sodas from a vending machine, before we climbed into the shower in our hotel room. 

  As we dried off, Tom inquired, “Don’t you think that we need a real vacation? We have never taken one together, not really.”

  “Where would we go?”

  “Maybe Hawaii? It’s not too expensive from California.” 

  “I have been saving up some money, but I was saving it for something else.”

  “What for, Doll?”

  “I’m saving it for when we start a family, so I can quit work. I want to pay off bills with it.”

  “Really?” When are you thinking, I mean when do you think you want to start a family?”

  “I know that I want to be done having children by the time I am thirty. I’m thinking we could start trying in the next few months, because I’ll be twenty one when the baby is born and I’d like two or three years max between kiddos, okay?’

  “No kidding? That’s exciting as Hell.” 

  “You think so? I was thinking we could start trying in August, the end of summer.”

  “What changed your mind?”

  “Remember when you said that you felt the need to get our lives moving again?”

  “Of course I do and I still think that. Us as parents, we can do a better job, ya know?”

  “We both need something real, like a proof of our love and how happy we are and I was incredibly lonely without you. This little person will be a little you and keep me happy.”

  “I don’t know why I’m feeling like things need to hurry up again, but I think that this sounds wonderful. A baby, our baby, that’s crazy.”

  I reached out and gave him a little hug as I pulled him close to me and I could feel his heart pounding, because I must have really set his heart and mind spinning, since he wouldn't shut up for the next hour about what we would teach our children. His energy was powerful and I tried seeing him with our children and I knew that they would never have to worry about feeling unloved by this sweet young man, because he continued to wrap me up in his heart all day long. I needed his love and I envied this mere thought of a little one, because I knew that they would have their father’s undying love and devotion as much as I did, if not more. I hated when he had to leave me behind, but this little person would be proof of him being somewhere in the world and anchor him to me, always directing his inward compass back to me. 

  “You sure? You sounded like you wanted a vacation to Hawaii?”

  “Fuck that, this is a lifetime of our little baby existing and I choose that.”

  “Are you okay with my not working anymore?”

  “You know that I am.” 

  “I’m just making sure because my Mom once told me that my Dad said that she could stay  home and then changed his mind.”

  “The best gift I can give you will need you at home and taking care of them. I want you to stay home as long as you want to stay home.”

  “That’s so sweet, I really want to be home too. Good, this is settled. I was nervous to bring it  up.”

  “Why?”

  “I dunno, it’s a big topic and I know you are worried about money a lot.”

  “We will work it out. I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I cooed, as I snuggled into him.

  “One day we will have stacks of money, but this stuff right here, this is what matters.”

  “Well, sorry to change the topic, but you have that parade next weekend, so did you get permission to come back for it?”

  “I did, so I get to take this long drive a few more times.”

  “Aw, well, I’m glad that I get to see you too.”

  “Me too, I’m only teasing.”

  “Will you come home Friday night because the parade meet up is on Saturday morning at eight?”

  “Jesus, I guess so. What time are you taking off tomorrow morning?”

  “I’m thinking that I need to be gone by noon, so that I’m not home after dark. It took me almost seven hours to get here.”

  “Good idea, maybe you should leave a little earlier than that, even? Leave around when you wake up?”

  “Tom Mosley, are you trying to get rid of me?”

  “Absolutely not, I just want you home safely.”

  “Buddy, you stop doing somersaults into the water and I'll drive a little slower, deal?”

  “Deal. Come here and seal the deal.”

  “I walked right into that one.” 

  Perhaps my life would always go like this, fighting the urge to yield to my husbands nagging shove to get our lives moving. He had crafted a relationship in which we both seemed like we were in a hurry, nothing was too much or too out of bounds for the both of us. We wanted to start a family and youth did not matter because we never succumbed to youthful ineptitude that tried to trip us up. I would forever be addicted to Tom’s intoxicating need to fulfill our destiny, and the desire to do so immediately, so I was happy to blaze that electric feeling trail with him. He’d masterfully dare me to jump and I would always pretend to be disinterested and surprise him by jumping and add in a few more, just to satisfy him, so I could make him smile.