Calmness

One summer, when I was 9, I spent an entire week with my grandmother. She lived 35 minutes from my home. She is the woman who adopted my mother, but never wanted an adopted child. My mother grew up knowing her father wanted her and her mother did not. I did not know this until I was a teenager. Her father was away, 325 days a year as a truck driver.

I was afraid of my grandfather, only because I did not know him. I liked my grandmother a lot, I didn’t love her, because I only saw her approximately 10 times a year, on holidays and sometimes one visit a month, but I looked forward to visiting her.

That week with her…we visited their cattle farm. I went with her to pick up the rent from the properties she owned. We ate in town, got dessert at the DQ and my cousins visited. We played card games, War, Hearts and Old Maid. We watched Hee Haw and M.A.S.H.. She had a carousel of poker chips that I loved spinning and I loved stacking the chips and the sound they made when I rubbed their raised edges together. I can hear it in my minds eye.

I also enjoyed those card games with her. We went to bed at 8pm and she woke me at 6am every day. She expected a bath immediately and then I had to do chores like dusting and vacuuming. I liked the routine. She insisted that I play at the park across the street from her home for no less than 30 minutes, completely alone. I liked it, and I was always good alone, so I’d stay for an hour and pretend I was an orphan fending for food and water. It felt like an adventure.

While I was with her, I never had a good feeling about my grandmother. Something always felt off. I know now, she didn’t like me much. She tolerated me, since she tolerated her daughter.

Me: Can I stay another week?

Gma: No. No. Why would you want to? It’s so boring here.

Me: I like it here. You play fun card games.

(I think I could see a brief glimpse of compassion on her face.)

Gma: It’s time for you to go home.

Me: I’m having fun with you.

Gma: You’re not having fun. This is not fun, it’s killing time.

Me: I had fun.

Gma: Then you must like boring things.

I felt crushed. I then reconfigured myself and how I interacted with her. She didn’t want me there. I had enjoyed spending time with someone who was simply trying to get through another day with a nine year old little girl.

I liked being able to feel safe. I felt calm. The routine and silence felt wonderful. I felt normal.

Natalie Mosley Klenotic