I think many of you may have the impression, because you’re just now meeting me, that I’m still stuck in 1988, 89, 90…or 93 when I was living with the Norris’s or when my first husband died. I wrote about my early life, in See You Later, because it’s a topic that needed a beacon of light shined on it. Secrets, that contain abuse, trauma, and pain, are often kept in the dark. I began telling about the abuses I lived through years ago to Tom and then after, and that’s part of the reason my parents ditched me, because they could not handle our painful lives being talked about in the present (back then or now). I only wish I had told both of my parents that their never hugging me (along with my grandparents), nor telling me that they loved me, (along with my grandparents) created a loveless person, before Tom came along. My parents learned the actual depth of their ineptitude within See You Later. I fought back against being physically abused, but the verbal and emotional abuse was on repeat, even after I remarried. I lived without love from them and they were fine with the relationship they created with me.
I’m not stuck. I’m in the present and I always have been and I’m not bitter.
I don’t hate either of my parents, but I also don’t forgive them. They’ve not asked to be forgiven. I live without the weight of being forced to forgive people that never loved me and I wrote about that in Down the Rabbit Hole of Narcissism.
I really don’t think of them very much any longer. Occasionally, I imagine a random box of childhood photos or toys showing up at my home, but that’s a dream…It will never happen.
****Every single day, I’m reminded of how much I love this life of mine.
I’m living an incredibly fulfilling and adventurous journey. I’ve had my fill of sadness. I’m pursuing my talents and dreams. My 4th and 5th books come out next month. In a little over one year I will have written and published 5 books. I’m proud of myself.
My immediate family loves me and to quote my first husband, ‘I love every little thing’ about them.
I’m attracted to happiness, intelligence, laughter, and discovery.
I’m not dismissing my past, because I accepted it a very long time ago. The sad part of me enmeshed itself with the stronger parts of me.
I’ve connected my personal dots and those dots and lines make up all of me. I’m stronger in spite of tremendous loss and pain.
I am resilient and a human seismometer. I can suss out drama and bullshit, from a mile away. Narcissistic personalities are unwelcome in my healthy life and I avoid them, the instant I meet them.
Again, I don’t hate my parents.
If I’m truly sharing, I don’t think of myself as even having parents. I can’t hate what doesn’t exist.
Roller coasters and fishing, when I do either of those things I remember a set of parents that existed a very long time ago. I have not gone fishing or to an amusement park in about 10 years.
We’re not getting any younger, maybe one day one of my extendeds will publicly apologize for calling me a liar. But, I don’t need it, because I know what happened.
Me? I’ll keep writing and sharing my life in order to inspire others.
I’m a cycle breaker, I did that.

Comments