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How to spot a Covert Narcissist

  • The covert narcissist fails to develop empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity.

  • Covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and prefer passive-aggressive means of controlling others.

  • Tactics of a covert narcissist might include belittling, triangulation, and avoiding direct responsibility.

The flamboyance of overt narcissists can make them pretty easy to identify, but what about the covert narcissist in your life?

***Recognizing covert personality traits requires looking beyond obvious appearances, past common assumptions and expectations. For this reason, covert narcissism is more difficult to spot, and it can take years to recognize it in someone you think you know well. But the good news is that once you become aware of the patterns and signs of covert narcissism, you aren’t likely to miss them again.

If you see many or most of these attitudes and behaviors in a person you know, you’re probably dealing with someone who suffers—and makes others suffer—with covert narcissism.

  1. Textbook passive aggressive behavior traits

  2. Criticizes and judges from the sidelines

  3. Is condescending

  4. Is threatened by honesty and directness

  5. Swings between idealizing and devaluing him-/herself and others

  6. Denies and dismisses others’ feelings

  7. Cultivates a public image sharply different from his/her private behavior

  8. Identifies as a victim

  9. Mirroring behavior and traits of those they falsely appear to dislike. Envious of all.

  10. Makes unreasonable demands

  11. Turns your problems into his/her dramas

  12. Belittles and blames

  13. Exploits and/or attacks others’ vulnerability

  14. Is reactive to questioning or criticism

  15. Plays on sympathies

  16. Fakes or exaggerates illness

  17. Withholds and stonewalls

  18. Gaslights

  19. Avoids introspection and lacks self-awareness

  20. Uses platitudes in place of genuine insight

  21. Denies own accountability

  22. Focuses on unfairness

  23. Is envious and shallow

  24. Prefers to remain behind the scenes

  25. Gossips

  26. Triangulates

  27. Holds a grudge

  28. Needs reassurance

  29. Is inattentive or annoyed when others talk

  30. Has double standards

  31. Hates to lose

  32. Fixates on others’ problems and misfortunes

  33. Flatters and fawns to win favor

  34. Displays rage and contempt in private

  35. Resists making genuine decisions

  36. Does not sincerely apologize

  37. Avoids direct responsibility

  38. Has an exaggerated sense of entitlement

  39. Is impressed by the overt narcissist’s appearance of confidence


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